Clarity
by MissMeressa
Summary: Loghain reluctantly gave up his love in order to do what he believed was right, but what if Rowan didn't agree with him? Set during The Stolen Throne.


_Bioware owns all including my sanity. Written because there just isn't enough Loghain & Rowan fics out there..._

Maric arrived at the camp just after dawn. The sound of painful groans coming from the injured soldiers could be heard throughout the camp. Walking through the site, he felt a pang of guilt for not having been at the battle with his men.

"Your Majesty!"

He turned around and saw Eldred, one of the Night Elves, limping towards him.

"Eldred, tell me what has happened."

The elf smiled triumphantly and said, "We've pushed back the Orlesians, your Majesty. There are rumors that Emperor Florian is furious and refusing to send reinforcements."

Maric sighed with relief. Severan was dead and the Orlesians had been decimated. All the sacrifices that they had made weren't in vain.

"You should have seen the Commander," Eldred said with pride in his voice. "With him and Lady Rowan leading us, there was no way we would be defeated."

Maric smiled sincerely for the first time since killing Severan. "I knew they couldn't fail. Where are they?"

A look of concern passed through the elf's green eyes. "Lady Rowan has been seriously injured, your Majesty. At the end of the battle, Commander Loghain was fighting the commander of the Orlesian army. He was distracted and didn't see that an enemy archer had him in his sights. Lady Rowan saw the archer and attempted to deflect the arrow with her shield but miscalculated. The mages have been working on her for the past few days. They have healed her injuries and stopped the bleeding but she has had a terrible fever. Commander Loghain has been with her almost every hour."

A heavy feeling came over Maric. He swallowed and asked, "Take me to them."

When they approached the tent, Wilhelm stepped out, looking pale and drained, but when he saw Maric he ran to him.

"Your Majesty! Thank the Maker you're safe!"

"Glad to see you are as well. How is Lady Rowan?"

"Her fever has finally broken. She should make a full recovery, but she will need to have bed rest for a few more days."

"That is good news. Can I see her?"

"You can but she's sleeping," he explained. He wringed his hands nervously and said, "I was hoping you could convince the Commander to get some sleep. He's either been with the soldiers or by Lady Rowan's side. He's barely had any rest since the battle except for a nap here and there."

"I'll get him to rest if I have to command him."

"Thank you. I was afraid of him for a bit."

"What?" Maric asked, his eyes filled with confusion. "Why?"

The mage looked at him, thinking of what to say and he decided to tell the truth.

"I had a feeling if Lady Rowan died, he would not have taken it well."

The young king did not look surprised at the mage's statement. "No, he wouldn't have." He nodded to Wilhelm and Eldred and walked into the tent quietly.

When he walked in, Rowan slept in the cot, looking pale after having lost so much blood. She had never looked so fragile. Another mage was checking on her. Loghain was sitting at the side of the cot, staring intently at her. The stoic man looked calm and in control, but Maric knew that he was frightened. He walked over to stand next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You're back," he said, looking up at him with dark circles under his steel blue eyes. "I heard of Severan's demise."

"One down. One to go"

The warrior nodded and looked back at Rowan.

"She's going to be fine," Maric said, trying to convince both Loghain and himself. "Cuts and scratches won't bring her down."

"She shouldn't have acted so reckless!" Loghain hissed. "It was idiotic!"

"She saved your life!" Maric retorted back at him, angry that he didn't appreciate Rowan's actions.

"Her life is worth far more than mine," Loghain said angrily.

Maric looked closely at Loghain's pained expression, realizing just how much Loghain loved her.

"I guess she didn't believe that," Maric said softly, looking at Rowan.

Loghain was about to speak when the mage stopped his examination and was about to leave.

"Where are you going?" Loghain demanded.

"We have done all we can do, Commander," said the mage.

"Are you sure there isn't anything else that can be done?" Maric asked, holding onto Loghain's arm, afraid that the man might grab the mage and hold him in the room.

The young man looked hesitantly at Loghain, then looked back at Maric and said, "No, your majesty. Her body just needs rest now and to try to heal on its own."

Maric nodded, still restraining Loghain. "Thank you."

"Your majesty," he bowed and then quickly slipped out of the room. Loghain pulled away from him and stood by Rowan's bed.

"Wilhelm said that her fever has broken and that she'll be fine," he said reassuring him. "She just needs rest." Loghain nodded, barely hearing him.

"You should clean up and get some rest," Maric said. "You haven't slept in days."

"I'm fine."

"Stop being stubborn, man. You're no good to anyone in this condition. I will stay with her until she awakens."

Loghain looked at him then & slowly nodded. "You're right. You should stay with her. I'll…leave you." He rose quickly and walked away. Maric watched him pause at the doorway, but then stiffly continued walking. He sat in the chair that Loghain had sat in since Rowan had been brought in.

He knew that the two were involved ever since the Deep Roads, but he hadn't realized the depth of their relationship until now. After he killed Katriel, Rowan had comforted him and pulled him out of his depression like she always did. For a few moments, he thought that they could go back to the way it used to be, to the time when it was just two friends who would someday marry. But too much had happened to go back. He knew she couldn't love him the same way, the pain in her voice when she spoke Loghain's name and the look of sacrifice she had as she was about to kiss him, told him what she couldn't say out loud. Just as he couldn't look into her eyes and not see Katriel looking back at him. Before he could pull away and tell her that this wasn't meant to be, she gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek and told him she would stay with him until he fell asleep. Thinking back to the night and exhausted from everything else, he fell asleep.

Maric woke up with a crick in his neck early the next morning. As he was stretching, Rowan stirred in her sleep and said, "Where am I?"

After hearing her voice, he jumped immediately. "Rowan! Thank the maker!"

Her eyes slowly focused and she asked, "Maric?"

"Yes, it's me! How are you feeling?"

"Like I've been shot with an arrow," she said, trying to make herself more comfortable. Suddenly, she looked frantically around the room, "Where's Loghain? Is he alright?"

"Don't worry," he said assuredly. "He's fine. I had to command him to rest. The man hadn't slept in days and he was getting grumpier than usual. Plus, he was scaring the healers with that stare of his."

She laughed, wincing slightly in pain and said, "Which one? All his stares can be pretty scary."

He looked at her carefully and said, "The "if she dies I will rip out your hearts" stare."

She looked at him, a look of surprise on her face. "I—I didn't know he had that one."

"He does. When one of the mages stopped working on you, I thought he was going to hold him here until you awoke. I had to restrain him."

"Really?" she said softly.

"Really."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each trying to figure out the next few steps. Maric took a deep breath and looked directly in her eyes asking, "Do you love him?"

"I—it's complicated—"

"Just tell me the truth, Rowan. I need to know."

She looked down for a minute, figuring out where to start. "I had always thought that you and I would fall in love and marry not because we had to but because we wanted to. I was in love with you. When I found out about you and Katriel, it nearly broke my heart."

"I never meant—"

"Don't worry, Maric," she interrupted. "I'm not bringing it up to make you feel guilty but you wanted to know the truth."

She took another deep breath and continued. "I was hurt and betrayed when you told me you loved her in the Deep Roads. Then Loghain found me by that river. He thought he was being stealthy but I always knew when he was near by." She smiled at the memory.

"I had always known that there was something between us for a long time but I had denied it. And I knew he had feelings for me too. I tried to push it away because I loved you."

She finally looked him in the eyes, her own eyes shining with happiness at the memory.

"But down in the Deep Roads for the first time, I finally stopped denying what my heart always knew. In that moment, I realized I had betrayed you before Katriel had come into our lives. Because somewhere between the battles and missions and the two of us beating each other to bloody pulps, I fell in love with him."

Maric sat quietly, contemplating what she had said. A tiny part of him was jealous, considering he, too, had thought that Rowan would be his wife, but remembering Loghain's face last night and looking at Rowan now, he knew there were no two people more perfect for each other.

He smiled and said sincerely, "I wouldn't give you up for a lesser man. He's the best man I know. "

"Yes, he is," she said, smiling back at him, glad that he was okay.

"But if he ever hurts you, he will need to deal with me," he said. "Of course, knowing you, you'll beat me to the punch and break all the bones in his body."

She laughed heartily, "You know me all to well."

He took her hand and kissed it. "Still love you, you know that right?" And he meant it. Not in the same way he had loved Katriel, but in the simple way you love someone who has known and accepted you, faults and all.

She looked at him and understood what he meant, "Love you too Maric. I—Loghain?"

Loghain suddenly appeared in the doorway, his face expressionless.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," he said brusquely. "I was just checking to make sure you were well."

He looked at their linked hands and a pained expression flashed through his eyes, but it quickly disappeared. "Now that you are both safe and well, I'll be leaving for Denerim to secure the city."

"Right now?" Maric asked, looking confused.

"The sooner the better. We shouldn't take any chances. I will send word once I get there." Without looking either of them in the eye, he bowed and walked out quickly. Maric ran after him.

"Loghain—wait!" Maric called out, grabbing his arm to stop him. "Will you just slow down for a minute! What's this all about?"

"I told you already that I'm going to Denerim."

"No, you're trying to run away."

"I have never run away from anything!"

"Then tell me what this is all about!"

Loghain closed his eyes, calming himself. "I swore to serve my king and country. I can't stay here and do that."

Maric suddenly realized that Loghain might have heard what he had said to Rowan and misunderstood.

"Wait, Rowan and I aren't—"

"You don't need to explain. This is how it was meant to be. This is the best for you two and Ferelden."

"Loghain—"

"She will be an amazing queen. Just don't hurt her again. She deserves better than that."

"Will you let me speak—"

"LOGHAIN MAC TIR! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

The two men turned to see Rowan hobbling towards them angrily.

"Rowan, you're still injured!" Maric yelled. "You shouldn't be moving!"

"Then tell that idiot to come here!"

"You heard the lady," Maric said, looking at Loghain.

Loghain walked briskly towards her and unceremoniously picked her up walking towards her tent.

"Why must you always be so reckless?" he whispered angrily at her. "Do you wish to injure yourself further?"

"Why do you insist on always leaving without an explanation?"

"I've already told you why I'm leaving! Besides, why do you care if I leave?"

She looked at him, her fury reaching a breaking point. "Put me down!"

He slowly put her down and once her feet touched the ground she hit him in the stomach. He doubled over in pain.

"Why? Why do you think?"

Loghain gritted through the pain. Rowan had a mean punch, even when injured. "You like making me suffer?" he asked sarcastically.

She was about to hit him again but the exertion had made her light headed and she nearly fell to the ground. Loghain quickly caught her before she fell. She was about to tell him off but he had a fearful look on his face. Her expression softened.

"I'm okay," she said softly, reaching out to brush his dark hair out of his face.

He pulled her close to him, as she leaned her head on his shoulder. _Maker help me_ , he thought, wanting to tighten his arms around her and keep her with him. He knew he should be strong and let her go but his resolve was slowly breaking.

"Rowan, I should—"

"Don't you dare say a single word until I finish what I have to say."

He nodded slowly, more afraid than he had ever been. He released her and stepped back as if she was going to attack him. She grabbed his hand and held tightly.

"I know you think I should go back to Maric, that I should be Ferelden's Queen. I was so angry with you for asking this of me but I almost went through with it. Maric had seemed so lost and it seemed the best solution was to do what I was raised to do—marry him and become Queen of Ferelden. I almost gave up everything—my soul and my heart for Ferelden. Almost."

"Almost?" he asked, trying to hide the hope in his voice. His world stood still as he looked at his hand in hers. He had been afraid to speak, to even look away, not knowing what would happen. He hadn't been able to sleep that night, wondering if he had done the right thing, knowing that he thrown away the one chance he had to be truly happy.

She brought his hand to her lips and he held his breathe. He looked into her dark silver eyes and as much as the logical voice in his mind said to let go, at this moment, a horde of darkspawn couldn't have torn him away.

"Almost. But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't marry Maric when I'm in love with another man. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."

"But you do love Maric."

"I will always love Maric. He will always have a place in my heart. But I'm not in love with him."

"He will need you!"

"And I will be there for him! But he is stronger than we give him credit for. And I don't need to be his Queen to support him."

"But you should be Queen!"

"I don't want to be Queen if it means sacrificing myself!"

He blinked, speechless. He tried to look away and steel himself from the emotions that were quickly building up, but the fire in her eyes refused to let him go.

"I don't want to hear what's good for me or Maric or Ferelden or anyone else. I want to know what you want, Loghain," she said, holding his gaze.

He looked at her, trying to figure out what to do. On one hand, his honor and duty demanded that he convince her to do what was rational. He knew that the best thing for Ferelden and Maric was to have Rowan as queen. There was no doubt in his mind that she could lead this country back to greatness. Ferelden couldn't ask for a stronger, more courageous Queen. This country needed her and he had sworn to put Ferelden first.

But on the other hand, he wanted so badly to just take her away. For the first time, he let himself imagine what life would be with her as his wife. He thought of the contentment of waking up each morning holding her in his arms, of the happiness of them building a family. But he couldn't give her the life that she deserved. He was a farmer's son. She was a noble, betrothed to the future king. The nobility would never approve of them being together.

"I'm just a farmer's son. I don't matter—"

"Yes, you do! It's infuriating that you don't see that! That you can't see what everyone else sees!"

He snorted. "They see a commoner who was lucky enough to survive."

She narrowed her eyes and continued to look him in the eye. "I'll tell you what they see. They see a leader who has beaten the odds time and time again with his intelligence & bravery. They see a warrior who never backs down from a fight. They see a hero, their hero who saved us from the enemy!"

He shook his head and said, "It wasn't just me—"

"No it wasn't but we would not have gotten here without you leading us. You deserve all the praise and victories because you've earned it! So just tell me what you want!"

"I—you deserve a life that I cannot give! You deserve to be with a better man!"

"I deserve to be with the man I love! Even if he is the most stubborn, grumpiest, broodiest man I have ever met!"

He looked at her with a mixture of emotions—confusion and guilt but mostly hope—and asked still not quite believing, "With me?"

She cupped his face and said, "Yes you, you idiot! For someone so smart, you can be so slow at times. Just tell me what you want."

He realized that he had never really thought about what he wanted. He had always done what was right for the greater good—the outlaw group, the rebel army, and Ferelden—but never for himself.

Before she could say another word, he kissed her. Tentatively at first, as if unsure of her reaction, but as she immediately responded, he kissed her more fiercely, threading his fingers in her chocolate brown curls. This felt right. When they finally stopped, he rested his forehead against hers, eyes closed, afraid that she would disappear if he opened them. When he opened his eyes, he knew exactly what he wanted.

"I want you," he whispered. "I want to be with you."

He never thought himself a romantic but he swears in that moment, her smile lit up the entire world.


End file.
